Parenting is a job where expectations are massive, heck, pregnancy is even called “To be expecting”... and then, once that child is there, most of those expectations go out the window. I believe there are some things we fail to realize before we have kids. Number one is an obvious one when you think about it; that your child is their own person (lightning flash of realization!!) and that they have their own needs, wants and desires. Sometimes your child is so far from what you expected them to be that their arrival displaces you to another planet. Not necessarily a bad planet, but one you hadn’t planned on traveling to. The second thing we don’t realize is how parenthood changes us. It changes us both physically (men more than women apparently) and emotionally and, for most, it changes our priorities. Some things we thought were going to be hard aren’t hard at all, and some things we thought were going to be easy are a struggle. All this can bring on a sense of guilt.
Furthermore, parent shaming seems to come from all directions, from the media blog posts about helicopter parenting and the dangers of too much screen time, to mother-in-laws’ more or less discrete comments, “You know, little Johnny, looks hungry/looks like he needs a walk/looks cold” (i.e. “You’re doing it wrong.”)*. Funnily enough, our harshest critics are generally us. “Am I not doing enough? / Am I doing too much?” These feelings of guilt and unanswerable questions probably keep all parents awake at night at some point or another.
You often hear how kids are different these days - I don’t believe that for a second. Kids are the same they always have been, funny sometimes, loving sometimes and outright difficult sometimes. In my opinion, parents haven’t changed either. They still want what’s best for their children and although that may look different (there isn’t ONE right way to do it!), the intention behind someone’s parenting choices is almost always the same; to give their child the best opportunities in life. What has changed is the way we live and lead our lives. Humans are herd animals, meant to live in packs of up to 200 individuals where children are cared for by many. These days many of us live in nuclear families (with two parents) or in single-parent households. Often far away from relatives who could offer support and in areas where traffic and other safety concerns prevent children from leaving their homes on their own until they are well past 10.
So, although children and parents haven’t changed, parenting has. The way we live our lives these days calls for other networks of support for parents and children. For some, mother’s groups can be a safe place to share experiences of being a parent for the first time. For others, a friendly neighbour can step in as a substitute grandmother. When these types of supports fail to materialise or we need more, seeking help isn’t being weak, it’s being responsible. Don’t forget you’re doing the most important and least recognized job of them all - being a parent.
*sorry about the stab at mother-in-laws - I love my mother in law! - but all is fair in love and war … and humour, right?!
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